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BY JENNIFER SIVLERMAN
Working with a certified divorce coach was a quantum leap on my life-after--divorce healing journey.
Don’t get me wrong, friends and family are also pivotal players in the divorce game who encourage us to face reality and ensure we don’t commit a breakup induced crime. (Tomato throwing, anyone?)
The divorce coach, however, walks beside us at each step of the breakup recovery process, helping us make good divorce decisions that give way to breakthroughs.
During my initial exploratory call with my divorce coach, Meagan Norris, I realized it was the first time since my ex-husband attempted to banish me from my home that I actually felt hopeful and purposeful.
A divorcee herself, she endured the hell that is divorce and found her way back to the life she wanted to live - graciously creating a divorce roadmap for the rest of us.
One day during a coaching sesh, Meagan calmly responded to my laundry list of divorce drama with a breakup affirmation that rendered me momentarily without words:
“It’s not a problem".
I know you've been there - someone makes a seemingly casual comment and suddenly a floating lightbulb miraculously manifests above your head. Out of nowhere, the paradigm shifts, and you see things completely differently. Your mind breaks open in the knowledge that you do have options and that there is a better way forward than the one you've been clutching for dear life.
For such a simple phrase, this divorce mantra packs a punch across the board, reinforcing the truth that we get to choose our reactions.
It’s also easy to remember – a big plus. And, it’s the highly versatile LBD (little black dress) of coping mechanisms.
Ex-husband requests the blender in mediation? Totally not a problem. I'd much rather have a shiny, new one. (True story.)
Ex-husband illegally takes marital property from the marital home? Not a problem. (I could care less about his bike anyway. Also, true story.)
Ex-husband maliciously (unsuccessfully) attempts to use your beloved dog as a pawn to get his way? (You guessed it, true story and still not a problem.)
When you're doing the work to rediscover your inner strength after divorce, you learn to value your self-worth and thereby, transform your life. You then begin to believe you're capable of outsmarting the bad guys who are failing miserably to manipulate you. And outsmart them you do. Because when we believe, we achieve. (Yet another true story.)
My big aha moment with this transformative divorce tip emerged when facing painful, negative emotions.
For some boneheaded reason, we as a society are conditioned to believe that negative emotion, is well, negative and should be immediately erased from our thoughts.
It turns out that bad feelings are not really bad for us at all, and they are definitely not a problem. In my experience, the worst move you can make in your divorce or breakup is not allowing yourself to feel bad feelings.
Think of it this way: Ghosts need to be acknowledged, experienced, and released to help them move on and it's not a problem - well, unless you're up against a poltergeist with a chip on its shoulder. Ditto for feelings. If we do not confront and unfetter our negative emotions, we will not heal.
(Ghostly shout outs make everything better. They don’t call me “quirky” for nothing.)
Much like my ex-husband, unresolved emotions are a volcano on the verge of eruption, and hot lava is rather dangerous and very messy.
So, next time any negative emotion is up for you – betrayal, hurt, sadness, rejection, anger – you name it, remind yourself that it’s simply not a problem, and that no solution is required.
This magical, reframing breakup banner also works wonders with negative thoughts. “Hurt people, hurt people” is an expression for a reason. So, when we are emotionally wounded, conjuring up visions of sweet revenge is a normal reaction.
When my ex-husband's attempts to exile me failed, and he subsequently ran home to his mother, I indulged in epic divorce daydreams about massive bonfires incinerating his entire wardrobe – and it wasn’t a problem.
It was important for me to allow my imagination to go there rather than repress my anger, which would only result in more anger.
(Fun fact – my attorney actually informed me that I could have had that bonfire with no legal ramifications after my ex initially abandoned the domicile, leaving his every possession. Of course, I was the bigger person.) I reluctantly opted to do the right thing. (Alas, I had made a pledge to the fashion gods early in my styling career to do no harm.)
You’ve got this.
Allowing yourself to feel your feelings is the first step to finding peace and yourself after a divorce or breakup. Whatever the negative thought, feeling, or idea. It’s not a problem.
(P.S. – Did you happen to notice the cover pic for this problem-solving post? Of course, you did. Because you’re very observant. You likely thought it was an aesthetically-pleasing, but odd selection. Here’s a little context in case you were wondering. I've decided that the featured beverage is a refreshing, orange lemonade. And what do we do with the piles of lemons that continue to mysteriously appear on our doorsteps? We make lemonade! Totally apropos, right?)
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Thanks again for stopping by!
Side Note! You have my word that I am not a compensated endorser of any kind, but I do sincerely, highly recommend Meagan Norris. She truly helped me a great deal during my divorce saga. If you’re interested in learning more about Meagan and her services, click here.
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