This post is the intellectual property of Jennifer Silverman. Posts, columns, and articles, etc. may only be reprinted with the express written consent of the author. The author’s byline, bio, and copyright notice must be retained in their entirety. Please click here to refer to blog disclaimers. Or, if you wish to reprint or feature a post, please click here to complete the contact form.
BY JENNIFER SILVERMAN
Valentine’s Day, 2022.
I was delighted to receive roses from my husband of 6 years (partner of 14) with a card signed “love always”.
That same evening, to my complete astonishment, he proclaimed unequivocally that “we will divorce” and that his “decision is final.” (Apparently, in his mind I deserved no say in my own life.)
He then asked for a hug (yes, you read that correctly), and made his exit to a waiting car.
A person who blindsides his partner with a divorce declaration on Valentine's Day of all days is hands down, a special brand of self-indulgent. And by "special," I mean in the worst possible way.
So, what do you do when one minute you’re happily married, (or so you mistakenly think), and in the next, your world is instantly incinerated into a million tiny embers?
Well, first you cry – a lot.
Then you take to your bed for days.
Then you wake up. I mean you really wake up – to the possibility that you might not have been living authentically.
This major divorce aha moment of authenticity propels us towards the road ahead. (Even though we have no idea where said road will take us or how the hell to navigate it without GPS.)
In all honesty, waking up to the realities of our divorce whys totally suck; however, waking up is vitally necessary.
It’s necessary so we don’t fall into the trap of living a delusional divorce narrative of our own making.
It’s necessary so we don’t spend the rest of our pre- and post-divorce lives in polka dot pajamas.
It’s necessary so we decide what we want from a life that is ours and ours alone.
It’s the moment we stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start adjusting to the new life-after-divorce normal that awaits us.
I was lucky. I had an incredible support system of family, friends, and neighbors who were so there for me during my divorce fiasco. They refused to let me drown in an abyss of self-pity and negativity.
I credit my neighbors, Nancy and Jean, for my “I’m not a victim” divorce mantra, and for reminding me that the “only day that really matters is today – not yesterday, not tomorrow.”
If you or someone you love is in the thick of the heart-wrenching, life-altering, totally screwy experience that is divorce, I deeply feel your pain.
As the great and powerful Oprah would say, here is “what I know for sure” about recovering and healing from divorce:
1. LEAN ON YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM TO COPE WITH DIVORCE.
Your support system is your lifeline. I would still be in bed donning the aforementioned polka dot pajamas had it not been for the kind souls who supported me during my divorce heartbreak. Start reaching out to your people and let them in. They will traverse the journey with you, and help you rebuild. Surround yourself with folks who back you up and beckon you back to reality. These interactions empower us to move on from divorce.
2. ACTIVATE YOUR LISTENING EARS TO LEARN THE SECRETS OF DIVORCE SURVIVAL.
If you’re anything like me, it takes time for clear thinking to emerge from its divorce fight or flight slumber. You’ll be amazed just how many people have descended to the dark depths of divorce and managed to come out the other side, into the light. They know the secrets to a happy life after divorce. Take it all in – stay awake.
3. FOCUS ON WHAT'S THRIVING TO KEEP GOING.
Author, Gabby Bernstein cautions to not dwell on thoughts that don’t serve us during tough times. Instead, she recommends focusing on the good and building on it. If washing your hair is the only accomplishment you can muster today, focus on that positive step, and then take another. (Hey, bouncy hair that smells of grapefruit makes any old day a bit better.)
4. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF TO REDISCOVER YOURSELF.
During his rehearsed divorce proclamation, my ex-husband remarked that I would “thank him for his decision in 5 years”. In the moment I wanted to smack him, but he was right – and wrong. It didn’t take 5 years (more like 5 weeks), but in retrospect, I also believe divorce was best for us both. As A Radical Awakening author, Dr. Shefali asserts, divorce is not separation from another person; it’s a break from the inauthentic person within. I now consider my divorce a blessing that bestowed a newfound sense of freedom, a fresh lease on life, and an opportunity to rediscover my authentic self.
5. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS TO HEAL FROM DIVORCE.
Don’t run from anger, hurt, betrayal, or even visions of your exe’s wardrobe aflame in a massive divorce bonfire. (Don’t tell me I’m alone on that one!) You’re allowed to make the choice to feel your feelings. In fact, you’re freaking entitled. As my divorce coach extraordinaire, Meagan Norris says, we work through painful feelings by leaning in, thus affording ourselves the invaluable opportunity to begin the divorce healing process.
6. REMEMBER THAT THE HARD STUFF IS OUR BEST TEACHER.
With the exception of my favorite grade school teacher, Mrs. Nefouse, of course. I learned more during my divorce about myself, my priorities, and what I’d like for my future than I ever have before. (I’d fancy a British gentleman this time around, please.) That in itself is a gift that’s even better than a Tiffany wedding registry.
Hang in there, friend.
Give yourself oodles of divorce grace, remember how far you've already come, remind yourself that there are good things ahead, and get excited for the new chapter of your life that is unfolding right now.
Wait up! It looks like you’ve reached the end of the road on this particular blog post. You might be wondering where to go from here. May I suggest some delightful destinations, conveniently located on CuriousColumist.com?
THE BLOG MECCA – You’re on a reading roll. Why stop here? More quirky commentary on all sorts of subjects is just a click away.
THE CURIOUS COLUMNIST SHOP – Retail therapy is legit, therapy. Shop all The Curious Columnist’s picks - from bargain beauty buys to luxe home décor. These curated online shopping recommendations have something for everyone.
THE SUBSCRIBE BOX – Typically, most of us avoid being boxed in like the plague. Fortunately, this box is all about broadening horizons – no confinement in this castle of curiosity. (Simply give the link a click and then scroll down - it's the scenic route.)
THE CONTACT FORM – Sometimes, we have a hankering to drop a line. Maybe you work for Oprah Daily and are looking to hire an unconventional freelance lifestyle writer – hint, hint. (Hey, a girl can dream.) Maybe a burning question is beckoning you to buzz. Maybe you have a craving to comment. Regardless, feel free to get in touch.
Thanks again for stopping by!
Full Disclosure - because I'm upfront like that. I utilize THE styling platform, GoodPix and the way-cool, Amazon Associates program to create shoppable content and affiliate links. I do snag a small commission on any fab finds purchased. I only recommend items I love.
Interested in creating a GoodPix account to make your own shoppable masterpiece? Click here to sign up for a free trial if you please. (We'll each be $20 wealthier if you opt for the brilliant decision to become a member.)