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BY JENNIFER SILVERMAN
In the divorce blame game, the struggle is real...
I don’t know about you, but in life after divorce, I sometimes make the mistake of assuming others understand my meaning – even when my words are shall we say...cryptic.
Misunderstandings are a fact of life, but it certainly couldn't hurt to do society a solid (or in this case, way awesome blog readers) and try to prevent misconceptions whenever possible.
So, I’d like to make something crystal clear: I don’t blame my ex for wanting a divorce – at all.
I do blame my ex for the manner in which he chose to go about communicating and enacting his decision to divorce – with cruelty, immaturity, self-absorption, dishonesty, a bulldozing mentality, and intent to hurt.
I also blame my ex and his parental puppeteers for attempting to usurp something for which they had absolutely no right to stake claim - my agency:
They attempted to hijack my agency to make my own decisions about my present and future.
They endeavored to derail my agency to operate in my own best interest - regardless of their selfish demands.
They floundered in their efforts to quash my agency to freely employ my legal rights.
They failed to intimidate me into forgoing my agency and succumbing to their manipulations.
With all those flops, you're probably wondering about the bad guys' successes.
They squandered opportunities to be reasonable and decent, and instead succeeded in inexcusable mistreatment and hurt.
That being said, a common myth when it comes to folks recovering from bad breakups is that our all-consuming bitterness compels us to blame our exes for everything that happened, and that we take no accountability or responsibility for our own actions.
An additional popular yet flawed whopper is that getting our breakup stories and feelings out there is purely a means of revenge - for brushed egos or hurt feelings.
Of course our egos have taken some divorce hits, and of course, breakups of all kinds are extremely painful.
Scout's honor, this blog is not about placing blame.
In actuality, calling out wannabe bullies enables us to take back the reins of our lives. (Plus, I consider it a service to the greater good.)
In my experience, accepting and expressing personal truths is an essential element in the divorce healing process. It compels us to face reality, own our roles, find ourselves again after divorce, and leap into our new chapters authentically - knowing far more post-breakup than we did pre-breakup.
If we can accomplish all that, and frame it in an entertaining tone a la The Curious Columnist Blog, why not?
Are we angry and bitter sometimes, especially during the initial phases of splitsville?
Heck yeah – breakups and divorces seer, sting, stab, and wound - repeatedly.
But, venting is not about making them look bad or making us look good.
Telling our stories is about learning from the pain we’ve endured, rebuilding our lives after divorce, and above all, finding our way towards post-breakup peace.
So, you do you.
Stop allowing your ex and his posse to live rent-free in your head and instead, prioritize your own healing.
Give yourself the respect you deserve for surviving your divorce and growing leaps and bounds in the process.
And as far as your ex...
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