Mama's Boys - A Definite Dating Don't?

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BY JENNIFER SILVERMAN

Is it just me or do single guys say the darndest things?

I had only been back on the dating scene (after my divorce) for 6 months or so, but in that short span of time I encountered a boatload of perplexing commentary.

A few single guy quotes that come to mind are, “I’m proud of who I’ve been 99.9% of my life despite the time I spent in prison.”

“That’s quite the shoe collection you have - I’d like the opportunity to buy you more.”

“Only a New Yorker would compare any part of Florida to Mayberry from The Andy Griffith Show".

Unfortunately, assumptions seem to be an inevitable force in the dating game, courtesy of all parties involved – myself included.

Bachelor Number 1 inferred that his jail sentence was no biggie. (Heck, I don’t have a criminal record, and I’m not even proud of who I’ve been 99.9% of my life.)

Bachelor Number 2 surmised that I would clamor at the offer of a new shoe acquisition rather than find his statement in poor taste. (Ever heard of feminism, sir?)

Bachelor Number 3 concluded that I would respond in a positive manner to a quasi-insult, and an obvious failure to read my dating app profile. (Newsflash, dude – I was born and raised in Kentucky.)

Of course, all my assumptions about these dating app guys could be completely inaccurate, but since the lot of them were dead on arrival, we’ll never know.

It boggles my mind that these specimens of 21st century dating make interactions so very complicated. Is “Hi, there. It’s nice to meet you.” really that passe? 

Although the colorful commentary provided by bachelors 1 through 3 was somewhat bewildering, my next encounter was especially head-scratching.

Thanks to advice from my BFF, I asked the latest gentleman caller in my orbit about his BFF. I anticipated a standard response – perhaps a childhood teammate, college frat brother, or current co-worker.

You can imagine my surprise when he hesitated, and then uttered, “My best friend is my mom.”

While apparently donning some sort of stunned facial expression during our video chat, my mind was engaged in quite the conversation with itself.

“Huh? Well, that’s a new one. I don’t think this is good. At least he’s honest. Yikes, I guess I need to say something.”

My foolhardy response? “Oh, okay. I’ll report that info back to my friend.”

As you can imagine, my cringe-worthy remark prompted the poor guy to fret that he was being judged by a partisan third party.

Putting myself in his shoes, my rash reaction certainly failed to provide any reassurance that I could find a place in my heart for a mama's boy.

After an awkward silence and an abrupt farewell, I was left to contemplate the exchange.

Naturally, I immediately alerted my doctor bestie, who polled her all-female staff.

Each medical professional found the mama's boy quote “alarming,” as did everyone with whom I shared the saga.

Don’t get me wrong – when it comes to adoring, respecting, and looking up to one’s mother, I would be first in line to sing my mom’s praises from the rooftop.

However, what does it say when an almost 40-year-old gent considers his mother to be the only BFF contender in his world?

On one hand, I suppose it speaks to gratitude, loyalty, and solid familial relationships.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t exactly call a best-friend-mother-hybrid “normal.”

As someone who tends to believe that normal is typically rather boring though, I did find my discomfort hypocritical.

Here’s the thing.  I’ve already had a helicopter mother-in-law who was not her son’s “best friend”, and that relationship was a perpetual pain in my neck to put it kindly. I am not in the market for helicopter mother-in-law part deux. Ever.

With another round of the dating game under my belt, and no grand prize to speak of, I’ll be staying away from the mama’s boy population moving forward.

A mother’s love is undeniably one of life’s greatest gifts.

Nonetheless, everyone and their mother is all the better for having a sidekick; a Laurel to one’s Hardy, a Scooby to one’s Shaggy, and of course, a Gayle to one’s Oprah.          

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