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BY JENNIFER SILVERMAN
As a proud graduate of the school of divorce, I’ve walked many miles in breakup shoes.
I devoured a self-help book cornucopia to get wise to divorce pitfalls.
I mourned my previous life, and briefly tried desperately to restore it.
Well, to be clear, I mourned the life I thought I was living. Then I realized I wasn’t being honest with myself.
With that revelation, I stopped mourning what wasn’t pre-divorce, and started building what would be post-divorce. (More on that later.)
I’ve seen the sights, had the divorce meltdowns, brought home every souvenir, endured breakup pain, and come out the other side of divorce stronger and more authentic.
At the beginning though, when we’re in the thick of a divorce or breakup, our vision and insight seemingly become lost in a perpetual state of fogginess.
We can’t see clearly. We can’t think clearly.
We don’t know what to believe because we’ve lost trust – in our partner, our perceptions, our self-worth, our reality, even ourselves. Especially ourselves.
We begin to believe we have no access to any emergency exits – like none, anywhere. All the worlds’ doors are bolted shut, and we’re trapped in a void straight out of The Twilight Zone. Plus, we don’t seem to know which way is out anymore anyway.
All in all, the forecast is nothing but fog for the foreseeable future. Sounds pretty darn miserable, right?
The truth of the matter is that grieving the loss of any relationship is indeed miserable.
Eventually though, self honesty is essential to manifesting the moxie to move on and heal from a divorce or breakup.
(If you’re rolling your eyes and thinking something to the tune of, “That’s all well and good but HOW do we heal from divorce?” Stick with me. We’re getting there.)
When we start getting honest with ourselves, those exit signs will suddenly begin to illuminate, the fog will lift, and we’ll realize the doors were never actually bolted shut at all - only really heavy.
By accepting reality rather than wishful thinking, we remember how to have our own backs and press life’s defogger button. We stop telling ourselves what we want to hear and what triggers the least fear, and start telling it like it is.
“Why not tell ourselves what we want to hear so we can feel better? Haven’t we been through enough?”, you may be wondering.
Divorces and breakups are by and large a journey to hell and back. And yes, feeling better is certainly a goal. If healing is what you’re after though, you owe it to yourself to face the truth about your breakup, your relationships, and your feelings.
Trust me – living in reality was my only means of obtaining a working defogger button.
It was the minute I came clean to myself and finally admitted that my marriage had not been working.
It was the aha moment that implored me to stop fighting for a relationship I didn’t want but was afraid to relinquish.
It was the first time I acknowledged I had been unhappy with my decisions.
It was the flash of divorce truth that compelled me to no longer be swayed by rejection and fear of change and to reawaken my strength.
It was an invaluable opportunity to reframe my divorce into what Gabby Bernstein calls, "a detour in the right direction”- thereby rediscovering that direction.
Even though I didn’t know what would come next in life after divorce, I stopped fighting my truth. I realized I had the power to choose again, and to rebuild a more fulfilling post-divorce life that I actually wanted.
As Jamie Kern Lima writes in her brilliant guide to self-worth, Worthy, our ex-partners are “not assigned to our destinies.”
You and your previous significant other are on different paths, and that’s okay. In fact, it’s likely way better for your destiny – your purpose. Maybe they were holding you back or stunting your growth or not supporting you. Or perhaps their destiny required a new direction.
Odds are, after the breakup shock subsides, you’ll discover you don’t miss what you had in your marriage or relationship. You begin to consider the possibility of manifesting something better as you reinvent yourself after divorce.
So, this is how to accept reality, let go of your old existence, look forward to your post-breakup or divorce future, and heal: Pose big, uncomfortable, scary inquiries to yourself, dig deep, and answer truthfully to be teleported back to the real world. (The real world empowers us to stop cleaning up the rubble and instead, begin constructing a new foundation.)
Break out your journal and a pen, or open a Word doc, or locate a stack of napkins and an eyeliner pencil. (Any writing instrument will do the trick and a hot pink hue can’t hurt – just saying.)
Next, take these five heavy-hitting questions for a spin to mosey toward moving on from your breakup or divorce:
(There may only be five questions, but they are biggies that require brutal honesty. So come back to them again if it doesn’t feel like the right time. And trust your higher self and intuition as to when that right time is. Fear or discomfort with negative emotions are not true indicators of the right time. Have the courage to face your thoughts and fears to help yourself. You’ve got this!)
1. HOW DID I CONTRIBUTE TO THIS BREAKUP?
WHAT WAS MY BREAKUP ROLE?
Did you bury your head in the sand and check out when your relationship was going south? Did you convince yourself that nothing was wrong in your marriage when you knew it really was? Did you push your partner away? Did you ignore the signs that you and your ex were drifing apart? Did you stop communicating with your significant other? Did you quit putting effort into your relationship?
None of these acts or any others should inspire guilt, shame, or self-blame. (I mean unless you committed some sort of crime that really harmed someone, but hey, I’m not judging.)
Simply accept the brass tacks. Your past actions and decisions are not problems to fix - just truths to accept. And then, release the whole shebang - meaning stop replaying the scenes of your past relationship in your mind. Remember, the past can only hurt you if you opt to live in it.
Of course it takes two to tango, so your used-to-be other half certainly contributed too. If you’re so inclined, breakdown your ex-partner’s role in your breakup as well.
If you’re wondering what the heck I’m referring to with my “accept and release” jargon, this post is rounding the corner with how-to moving on tips courtesy of the great and powerful, Oprah Winfrey. (But obviously I recommend knocking out your current mission first.)
2. WHAT DO I TRULY WANT NOW?
Really, what do YOU want? Do you want to be in a relationship? Do you want to relocate and start fresh? Do want to dye your hair purple? Do you want to prioritize your own peace? Do you want to reinvent your life as a whole and craft a new, rewarding vision? Do you want to become a Rockette? Do you want a few major binge-watching sessions while you figure things out?
There is no wrong answer. Giving your soul what it longs for after divorce, whether it’s profound, silly, fun, serious, or solemn is what that soul of yours deserves. Write down everything you want for your life whether you believe it to be attainable or not.
You can’t get what you want if you don’t KNOW what you want. (And BELIEVING you’ll get what you want is the real magic, but that’s a topic for another article.)
Identifying your desires enables you to shift your thinking and see new possibilities. It also puts life in perspective. Certain divorce frustrations can become way less vexing when we realize they don't carry that much weight.
For example, say your ex wants to stay in your marriage abode. Initially, the thought of your used-to-be other half getting to keep something sentimental that you both contributed to may totally drive you up the wall. However, if you realize a fresh start in a new, charming area is the healthier, more comforting option for you, does it really matter?
3. WHO IS MY EX ACTUALLY?
Oftentimes, breakups and divorces shed new light on who our former significant others truly are. Be radically honest with yourself about their behavior.
As Maya Angelou so wisely proclaimed, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” And then, act accordingly. Even if you didn’t believe them at first – heck, most of us don’t, it’s never too late to embrace reality.
If they clearly no longer have your best interests at heart, don’t hand them your trust during the divorce or breakup. If they’re treating you unfairly, fight for your life-after-divorce rights. Or, if they are sincerely being kind and genuine, don’t make their lives miserable – let them go to set yourself free.
4. WAS I LIVING AUTHENTICALLY?
Were you REALLY happily married or coupled, or just going through the motions to avoid facing reality? Were you living the life you set out to live? Were you telling yourself the truth about your relationship, or just donning those rose-colored glasses when things weren’t all that rosy?
One of the most profound aha moments for me in my divorce was the realization that I had not been living authentically. This phenomenon seems to be true in many breakups.
In my case, It took the earth-shattering repercussions of divorce to wake me up to my truth - that I wasn’t happy, and that my life wasn’t fulfilling, and I assume the same was true for my ex. Once all the hard stuff opens your eyes, the ability to live in one’s truth is such a blessing. You’ll see!
5. AS I MOVE ON FROM MY DIVORCE,
WHAT HAS THIS EXPERIENCE TAUGHT ME THUS FAR?
Taking a step back and reflecting upon everything you’ve learned about yourself and life through your breakup or divorce experience is an incredibly transformative pursuit. For one thing, it acts as a tangible reminder of how far you’ve come, which reinforces your belief in your own strength. Acknowledging and implementing all you’ve learned during your divorce or breakup is yet another leap towards moving forward into a new, inspired reality.
More than likely, these queries will prompt a continued internal third degree. Keep going with anything that comes up for you.
The more honest you can be with yourself, the sooner everything holding you back will lose any hold over you. Once you face the truth, you no longer need to fear it. You can then start designing the life you truly want to live and choose to trust yourself again.
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