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BY JENNIFER SILVERMAN
I officially designated 2023 as my “year of firsts’.
I got my car towed for the first time.
I joined a manifestation challenge for the first time.
I checked one of those annoying little boxes on an intake form that read “divorced” for the first time.
It’s been well over a year since I officially began my journey as a divorcee.
I’ve consequently taken on tasks that were previously handled by my ex.
Surprisingly, I’ve garnered much satisfaction at accomplishing the sort of mundane duties my former husband didn’t think me capable of.
It’s a nice feeling when it finally dawns on you that you’re smarter and more proficient than others had you believe.
My most fascinating recent first by far has been jumping on the digital dating bandwagon for the first time...at age 37.
I was initially adamantly opposed to the world of app dating, and had no intention of ever enlisting. Eventually though, I succumbed to the peer pressure of my beloved gal pals and decided to give it a try.
Per usual, my views on dating (like manners and music) seem to be stuck in the 1960’s.
(If you’re thinking that I wasn’t alive in the 1960’s, you are of course, correct. They don’t call me an old soul for nothing; I blame classic TV shows.)
I like the idea of a gentleman caller who practices door holding etiquette.
I believe it’s a reasonable expectation for said gentleman caller to perhaps comb his hair or don a shirt that isn’t swathed in wrinkles.
I don’t want to exchange social handles - I don't have any anyway. (I'm an anti social media millennial - thank you very much.)
I find sentences comprised of only emojis endlessly irritating; They are not actual sentences.
In my mind, a first date over milkshakes at Happy Days café, Arnold’s sounds just about perfect. If my escort happens to be the Fonz, Richie, or even Potsie for that matter, I’d be pleased as punch.
Unfortunately, dating has changed – a lot.
The mysterious world of app, digital, and virtual dating is practically its own society – on its own planet, in its own galaxy, complete with its own terrestrial customs.
Dating app newbies begin by creating a profile with images and some basic info.
Next (on my inaugural dating app of choice, Hinge), suiters can then “like you" by clicking a heart icon or “really like you" by awarding you the one free virtual rose they are allotted weekly. If you opt to like them back, you can then converse with one another via in-app text.
To my astonishment, many guys who are presumably seeking a mate seem to put little or no thought into their dating profiles.
Some fellas provide nary a basic dating app profile factoid like occupation or hometown.
Then, there are the photos – way too many selfies. (By the way, the sheer number of guys who take selfies in public restrooms is astounding.)
My greatest disappointment in this generation of (app) daters is the mind-numbing commentary.
Some amusing virtual pickup lines that have come my way thus far are “God broke the mold when he made you.”
“You must be a great dancer.”
“I can tell you’re a genuinely kind person.”
Not to mention the countless, generic “hey beautiful” or “hi cutie” salutations.
For the record, I have no knowledge of God’s prototypes, am a terrible dancer, made no profile indication of my level of kindness, and am practically unrecognizable sans makeup.
The empty dating app comments based on physical appearance are an instant “x” for yours truly. They endeavor no acknowledgment that I am anything more than my photos – much less a human with a personality.
Luckily, I have encountered a few suitors who seem to be nice guys willing to put in the effort to get to know me.
Regardless, dating apps are certainly the strangest of social experiments.
It remains to be seen if my quest will yield a legit gentleman. Here’s hoping the 2023 version of Potsie is out there somewhere. (I’ll keep you apprised.)
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